Family dysfunction... Yep!

einav avni Author

Nearly all of us, either in our original or self-made one, experience challenges in the family. How to recognise the signs and what to do about them..

A few years ago I was invited to give a talk to a group of about 200 people about recognising their negative self-talk and underlying fears and how to swap these finding their intuition, harmony and alignment. The talk was really well received, and as I was signing off the Q&A part, one person raised their hand and asked one of the most complex questions anyone can ask with a minute left of a timed talk.

The person asked:
What do you do if the family you live with is so toxic, that you have no choice but to stay as you are - operating from fears and negativity because every attempt to find positivity and serenity is met with other people's hell-bent decision to continue as they always have...

At that time, all I could really say was something about going within and finding a way to let the negativity wash over as water off a duck's back, but as always... it got me thinking...

In 2006, a social experiment was carried out, where groups of 5 people were asked to perform various tasks, each lasting around 30 minutes. In some of the groups, a random negative person was added.

What the researchers found, was, that in the groups with the negative person, each of the tasks was 40% worse than the other groups, with the quality of each task decreasing by 25%. They further found that there were 50% more arguments and disagreements in these groups compared to the rest.

The conclusion, of course, was how much the negativity of the people around you is costing you on a daily basis... And also, how one bad apple can ruin a whole bunch of good ones.

Negative people in your family are just one example of family dysfunction. You may already know how they're going to respond or object to things and feel like nothing can ever go smoothly when they are around, impacting, of course, on the quality of your life.

Other examples can be (the following list is roughly based on a post by William Dickerson on Facebook)

- having to walk on eggshells because one person can't manage their emotions
- moving on by pretending like nothing happened
- staying silent when things need to be addressed
- always having to be the bigger person
- pleasing the person with the most fragile temper to keep the peace

If you recognise one or more of these patterns, in your current family, your original one, or in your friendship or office group, then we need to talk. All of these are patterns that will never resolve themselves by themselves, and the more you put up with them, the more stress and toxic that is going to accumulate in your own life.

The problem with dysfunctional families (or other groups as mentioned above, but I will refer to them as families), is that as soon as all the participating parties are (back) together, the patterns reoccur. In no time at all, people go back to doing exactly what and how they've always behaved and you find yourself in the same hole with the same coping mechanisms you desperately created all these years ago and have been trying to change for the good part of the last few years.

Today I want to offer a few ways in which family dysfunctions can be addressed, but let me be the first to say that yes, I do know that at first this will seem impossible and something you won't be able to do/try/achieve in your own setting. I also want to encourage you to sit with these suggestions and do the ones that feel right - not everything is going to work for everyone.

Please also note that if you're experiencing any of these, seeking actual help is recommended. Remember - there is always a way and always an alternative. You don't have to suffer!

Things to Consider:

1. Letting the other person know how you feel.
Way too often we believe that the other person knows how we feel and goes out of their way to make our lives difficult, but the truth is we rarely think about other people and how they will respond or react to things we do or say. (This is not to say people don't get triggered and that's a whole different story).
Try telling the other person how it makes you feel when they answer back in an aggressive way or dismiss your needs, suggestions or existence. With kindness, you should be able to let them know how this impacts you. Chances are they never even considered you in the first place. (Also note they may push back, but it's ok to start with planting a seed).

2. Talk about things as they come up.
Also, very often, something happens that makes us feel all sorts of emotions such as anger, rage, frustration, hurt, sadness and similar, and instead of expressing them, we wait until we calm down or feel ready to express ourselves, and often this is too late.
Remember that people process things and situations differently and while I'm not telling you to explode on the other person, I am telling you to watch for your patterns. If you're waiting until enough water has passed in the river and then you bring it up, you may notice that you are 'always being dismissed'. Maybe it's time to do things differently and express how you feel, or at least mention that you need to let off some steam and would like to come back to the topic soon. Change the pattern...

3. Change the pattern...
It seems we are not very creative when it comes to how we behave with other people and the triggers we expect and feel when they are around or when a special topic comes up. Observe what triggers you and find another way to go about it. I remember one client telling me once how she hated being the one who was always expected to make decisions on every aspect of her married life. The next time a decision needed to be made, and the repetitive behaviour ensued, she was able to speak up and work with her partner on making the decision together. It was a much better experience for both of them!

4. Can it be you are too sensitive?
Yikes! I knew you'd hate me suggesting this, but is it possible that it doesn't matter what is being said or done, you always find a way to believe this is about you and that someone is judging you and telling you off?
I've seen this so many times when someone is making a comment and the other person immediately flies off their racket, defending or justifying themselves, where the initial comment was really not meant for them at all.
If you think someone is having a dig at you but you're not sure then ask. Or help them make it clearer when they are making general comments vs ones that are meant for you. Sounds weird, but it can really help save some energy...

5. Are you the culprit?
It's ok to admit that sometimes you just don't know how to handle things and you find yourself triggered, angry and at a loss every time someone is doing or saying something that tips you over.
This is very normal because sometimes things are just too much and you are reacting with the only thing you have which is to push everyone and everything away.
This said, understanding what is behind the behaviour doesn't make it acceptable and you are kindly invited to find a coach or a therapist to help you find better ways of expressing yourself and to help you release any knots you are currently trying to untangle. You can do this. You should probably seek someone to help though because it is very challenging, near impossible, to fix a problem with the same head that created it, if to quote my friend Albert Einstein.

There are so many more things you can try to make your family environment a little better, but the first thing is to decide you no longer willing to continue with the way things currently are.
Start with a decision, then find your path. It will come!

***

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Dottie's Tip Of The Week

Sometimes you have this gut feeling that the thing you are after is nearby, you just don't know where, exactly. Follow your gut - and your nose! Don't let other HUUMMAANS tell you if you're right or wrong - this thing is entirely your own! Go for it! Find it, or be open to finding something else you didn't even know you were looking for! But don't give up, and don't let other people stand in your way!!

***

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einav x