Is it still serving you, or...

Coping mechanism - how come we're still so loyal to them even though they no longer serve us? (12/10)

As I was in the process of uploading something to (one of) my Instagram accounts, my eye caught a post that said something like 'it's ok if you get a [text] message and you can't reply, because in your mind, replying is equal to a commitment you're not ready to make' (paraphrasing). The post went on to talk about anxiety and calming your nervous system, but for me, the importance of the post was exactly in that first sentence, and with it, the following question:

At what point do we recognise actions, behaviours or reasoning as being a direct part of our early coping mechanism, and allow ourselves to step into the next chapters of our lives, informed, but fully aware of how to let go of what no longer serves us...

To be honest, this is a question I've had on my mind for a long time now... This question is usually followed by how we create a change that feels in alignment and is therefore honoured and lasting, despite natural dips in belief levels and actions.

When I finally decided to stop smoking, it took a gradual journey from feeling insecure about what I do without that stick I've learnt to be so fully dependent on, to eventually seeing that not only did I not want that in my life, but that it was also no longer needed. That was 24 years ago, and I never once looked back.

How come this was such a smooth journey for me, but not so easy for many others? How come it is easier to let go of this kind of a habit, but not, for most of us, letting go of the notion of not being good enough, not lovable or the feeling of not belonging.

In other words, why are so many hardships in life happening 'to' us because we are still leading adult lives from behaviours and beliefs we adopted for ourselves as children, when life didn't make all that much sense, but the need for calm, safety and survival brought decisions that helped...

Examples? Absolutely!
- people pleasing when we learnt to believe we are not lovable enough as we are and need to do or be something else that is (actually) desirable.
- need to be in control when there was chaos all around us, and no one seemed to be the adult or the one who could keep us all safe.
- being hyper-vigilant when it was never immediately clear when or where danger was coming from, but it was very clear that one was imminent.
- being hyper-rational when emotions and feelings were frowned upon, and showing up as sensitive, intuitive or caring triggered more danger than it was worth
- being a stickler when it was safer to stick by the rules than to let your creativity, sense or intuition be the guide
- Living in victimhood when attention of any kind was not coming, and you needed something to get one sent in your direction. Finding reasons why things were not fair or not your fault meant that people couldn't really ignore you anymore.

There are more, of course, but these are just some of the ones I see a lot of, and I'm pretty sure you'll resonate with at least 2 out of the lot.

So if we go back, for a moment, to the beginning of this email, at what point do you realise that needing to be in control is probably costing you more in stress and unhappiness than it is worth, and teaching yourself instead that curiosity (for example) can help get you better results and a calmer state of mind. And, as we're here already, how do you keep this going as something you used to do but no longer call upon in times of stress, triggering and other life events?

In other words, the question is, how do you let go of something that no longer serves you, FOR GOOD?

The answer, as far as I can make out, is to do with your spirit.

When you get up in the morning and you can see that this past wound has served its time, and you are able to connect to a version of you that is in alignment with your soul, and one that knows that keeping up the old habits or routine can't coexist with your spirit.

It's either the old stuff or the new one, but not a hybrid, because that hybrid is what got you to where you are today, which is awesome, but no longer relevant to your new version.

So, people pleasing, for example, can't coexist with a version of you that deeply trusts people can love, accept and respect you for who you are, and who, at the same time, no longer expects you to be the one to overdo, give, or be. This will not be easy for the people around you, but trust me when I say that with kindness, you can do it! (You can make it gradual, if it's easier for you, but make sure you go along with it, as it's clearly on your mind).

Needing to be in control is similar, but can be very challenging for people, especially as this feels more life-or-death situation. People needing to be in control will need to start asking themselves questions such as 'what's the worst thing that can happen' and then find out if they are willing to try it out, on the basis that this worst-case scenario is probably never going to come around.

As a rule of thumb, remember that most of the time, our fears are self-made, and it's our comfort zone, together with our negative self-talk talk that keeps us repeating these behaviours all these years. It's time to change the narrative, and your soul knows how!

If you need help, come join the healing class - details of which are below!
***

This week in Healing Conversations...

This week in Healing Conversations, I address openly what I find is behind some people's inability to heal.

In this solo episode, join Einav Avni as she dives deep into the question: “What blocks my healing?” Through insightful reflections and practical wisdom, Einav challenges the common belief that chronic conditions are purely structural, inviting listeners to consider the profound influence of emotional roots and inner alignment on their well-being.

Einav guides us through the journey of those living with chronic symptoms, addressing the frustrations of medical dead ends and the limitations of external diagnoses. She discusses the importance of going beyond passive treatments and instead, turning inward to discover the underlying fears, compromises, and emotional patterns that might be holding us back from full healing.

This episode isn’t just about alternative approaches; it’s an invitation to reclaim your power, examine your beliefs, and reconnect with the passions that truly ignite you. Einav offers guidance on calming the nervous system, shifting our mindset from illness to health, and stepping actively into the life we desire. Whether you’re dealing with persistent symptoms or simply curious about new paths to well-being, this conversation is a compassionate and empowering guide to healing from within.

More about einav:
Einav Avni is a passionate advocate for personal empowerment and transformation. With a focus on helping individuals break free from the limiting narratives that often hold them back, Einav encourages a shift from blaming external circumstances to identifying and pursuing one's true desires. Her approach centres on the belief that recognising what we want, despite adversities, is key to unlocking potential and fostering meaningful change. Through her work, Einav inspires others to navigate their challenges with clarity and confidence, striving for a future filled with greater opportunities and positive interactions.

Social Links:
1) https://www.untangledhealing.com
2) https://www.untangledcoaching.com
3) Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/einav.avni.9
4) Book a chat: https://calendly.com/einav-4/coaching-discovery-call

You may also be interested in...

I am thinking of opening the Healing Class again, so if you have ever wanted a chance to look deeper into yourself and what is holding you back, this might be just for you.

The class will be held on a weekly basis (Wednesday, 5 pm UK time) and cost £10 each. You are invited to buy a 10-session pass and join whenever it feels right for you.

Each class is up to 90 minutes long and will include conversations, teachings, meditations and self-exploration.

The link to purchase is below. When you buy the pass, I will share the Zoom link, etc.

https://buy.stripe.com/5kQ00lf...

A message from the Universe

Dottie's Corner

Took my HUUMAN out for a walk on the green, and to my complete and utter delight, there was an actual treasure waiting for me to just pick up and go, so I did!
And here is the photo to prove to you too, that sometimes things CAN just fall into your laps - all you need is faith, and a mouth full of gratitude!!

I work extensively with people to help transform their lives from fears, limitations and compromises, to harmony, alignment and joy, or in other words, helping people find natural healing to mind, body and soul.

To chat about your own situation and how my methods can help, please book a chat using the link: https://calendly.com/einav-4/coaching-discovery-call

einav x